My Tryst with Spirituality

Like a beggar knocking door to door since God knows how many years. Sometimes romanticising in the books of Rumi or the melodies of Sufi, I have been trying to find answers since a very long time. 

Sometimes trying to meditate on the centre of my heart, sometimes wiping the floors of an Ashrama in Bangalore. Trying to find that "connect" that hook which will never let me go. Because everything attracts me, nothing holds me. 

Unlike my mother who is innocent and believes in her Laddoo Gopal with her unflinching faith, I am the complete opposite. I love to question and satiate my hunger and without that I cannot develop my faith. And my mom never forced me to follow her. Perhaps, Love is Freedom, Freedom to choose your path. Carve your own way to find home.

On one side where my life has been a ball of mess, my calling to find answers and beyond what is tangible has been very sharp. 

Should I not try to fix the open loops of my life first? Or am I just escaping my life? Or the calling is real? I have no bloody idea. 

Few years back whenever I entered a temple, I would on purpose never pray to Krishna and in my heart always had a fight with him, because materialistically, whenever I asked him for something, he never gave it to me. NEVER EVER. And I'm here now. Life is a full circle. Chanting his name, listening about him. Life has come a full circle. But how did my life take a 360 degree turn? And for how long will this tale of unrequited love last? Like in a class where you keep giving exams but there are no results, no scholarships, no motivation. Apart from Krishna's experiences , what else can be a reward? I don't claim to be the best, infact my heart is impure , but even then, don't I deserve some advancement because despite my struggles I'm trying? I'm young, hot blooded and make decent money to move the other way, the path of Maya, at least she responds. She is easy. The more I adopt her the more she loves me back. There is reciprocation. Maya reciprocates. Why should I judge Maya when she reciprocates? 

At this moment in my life, my issue is not reciprocation, but the hook which reciprocation provides because this path I'm on is my last hope. I have already read, adapted, walked on other paths which did not satisfy that urge of my heart. If I move away from my last resort where will I find refuge?

My favorite lines from my favorite album Jal summarise my feelings:

Sach ki Talaash hai 
Door Aakash hai 
Manzil paas nahin...
Kya tu mere paas hai?

Comments

  1. AshutoshFebruary 21, 2022 at 4:10 AM

    Ya... Nice lines by Jaal... Almost 15 y are since I first heard them... Still rings a bell. Thanks for bringing back the memories and rejuvenating them ....

    ReplyDelete

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